Two years ago, I was losing it. I had just signed a lease for an apartment in New York. I had two weeks to pack up my shit while also working while also kicking off my second semester of grad school. On top of it all, I was also absolutely terrified of moving. Like, panic attacks everyday type of terrified. My dad asked what I was scared of and I listed all the things. All the “what ifs” that were plaguing my mind. He said “Listen, you’re never going to regret going. But you’ll always regret it if you don’t try.” And I think I knew that deep down, but needed to hear it from someone else—more specifically, I probably needed to hear it from my dad.
So, one February morning I boarded a train with one of my lifelong friends, with nothing but a dream and a bottle of Ativan in my pocket!!! (That’s a lie. There was an entire moving truck.) What followed were two of the best, most transformative years of my life.
Today, I’m on a train headed in the opposite direction. The city that now feels like a second home is growing smaller in the distance. And I’m crying on the train because it’s so hard to leave. I never thought it’d be so hard to leave.
To be frank, everything I told my dad I was scared of happening actually did happen. I had some of the hardest months of my life in New York. But I survived it. And today, sitting on this train headed back to my home city of Baltimore, I can say that I feel more whole than I ever have in my life.
I realize it’s a cliche to be a 20-something writer who lived in New York for two years and say things like “The city changed me!” Put me on a fire escape with a journal and a pack of Newports and you’ve got the quintessential New York transplant stereotype. But, I don’t think New York changed me. No offense to the beautiful rat-infested city, but it’s just a city. New York simply acted as a catalyst for my ‘lil self-growth journey. New York didn’t change me, but I changed in New York. Or, maybe change isn’t the right word. I just grew into a better, stronger version of me. And maybe that could’ve happened in Milwaukee or Iowa or Fort Lauderdale (lmao), but thankfully it happened in one of the coolest places ever surrounded by some of the best people I’ve ever met.
Yesterday, I hugged my roommate and dear friend of 20+ years goodbye. I simply could not have done the past two years without her. Having lifelong friends is so special. Having life long friends that move to a new city with you and turn into tremendous roommates is even cooler. She’s seen a lot the past few years. And I am so grateful for her and all of the silly, stupid antics we’ve gotten ourselves into. Some really cherished mems with that one!!!
Last night, two of my favorite humans helped me finish packing and we ordered pizza and had a slumber party in my living room. Two years ago, I barely knew these gals, and now I cannot imagine living life without them. We barely slept at all and we felt delusional all morning. When the movers left and my apartment was emptied, we had breakfast at the diner and laughed until we cried. They hugged me goodbye on the corner of my street next to our favorite chicken nugget spot. I walked to Penn and took 3 million pictures of my favorite neighbor (The Empire State Building.) And now, here I am, shedding a few more tears on Amtrak. (This is not the first time I have cried on Amtrak.)
But, today is not a sad day. It’s actually a really great day. All the sadness is because I have all these people who I love and who love me, and it sucks that I won’t be near them. Truly, that is something to celebrate. And, I’m headed back to my sweet, sweet Baltimore. Which is filled with more people who I just adore. This is really a win-win situation for me.
As you can see, I’ve got a lot of feelings today. I am also very sleep-deprived and kinda feel like I’m living in a simulation today. But, the moral of the story is that I am simply filled with gratitude for all that I’ve gained that past two years. It’s been one hell of a ride. Until next time: I love ya, New York.
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